It hurts every time I see your face, but I can't bring myself to delete any pictures I just do my best to avoid them. I have deleted pictures out of anger before and then seriously regretted it. I would like to delete them at a time when they have no emotional control over me whatsoever, to delete them when I am in control of my feelings or at least have no more feelings of love love and wanting to be with you anymore.
I am so sorry to have hurt you the way that I have. I should have tried more and harder. I wish you could understand why it was so difficult for me to open up to you however. I mean you SAID you understood every time you got back with me, but I don't think you really did. Seriously, being back together for 3 months (and I know I was making small steps and better progress) is not a whole lot of time for HUGE change considering an on and off relationship of almost 4 years, but you said it felt like forever so there's nothing I can do about that. You must realize though that it really WOULD be forever for me to trust and open up to you if we have to start over so often, when you keep breaking up with me several times a year. It doesn't help that you were always keeping in touch with at least 1 guy who you could hook up with or was OBVIOUSLY willing to hook up with you should anything happen between us (trust me I'm not THAT naive, I know the difference between just friends and what is more than just friends) especially considering your reputation in that respect.
It really bothered me how hypocritical you were about so many things. You would be upset with me for getting upset about things, and yes I got upset about things. But for some reason it was okay for you to completely and utterly BLOW UP if I did anything along the same lines. Maybe you should have taken the opportunity to try to understand where I was coming from on those points? It wasn't like I ever did anything to get revenge at you or to get back at you, I never did that and I still would never, but when stuff just happened you felt and acted and tried to convince me that you were completely justified in feeling and acting the way you did in your hypocritical episodes.
I should have known that you would break up with me again. I should have seen it. I always felt it but I didn't want to believe it because I trusted you again and again and again, at least enough to continue and try in our relationship. You say I didn't care enough. I always cared, always. Yet at times you seemed to care greatly, and at other times not at all. I was always there for you when you needed me and wanted me, even when you were taking unfair advantage of me when we were broken up, calling me in the middle of the night and then breaking my heart again in the morning saying that we're still not together. I should have known you were going to break up with me because nothing I did was good enough, or the right thing, or soon enough for you. When I stayed neutral, or kept my mouth shut we could coast and at least be together and be a bit happy. I wanted to be more than just a bit happy, but every time I WOULD open my mouth or try significantly, whether it be right when we got back together, or after a few months, it was always too late for you and a breakup would soon follow. It was as though you were just waiting for an excuse to break my heart over and over again, and the excuse was that I was trying too little and too late, every single time. Hopefully looking back it wouldn't be too hard to understand why I would do my best to keep my mouth shut or to remain neutral.
I loved you so much though so I tried my best to better our relationship despite that fact that me trying to do better always equaled breakup on your part. I even trusted you more than I did before this time around, only to find out later you were betraying my trust AGAIN, and going back on promises and your word, on agreements that were your idea in the first place. But concerning you and I, not keeping your word was a common thing actually. I could never make you happy; you wanted space so I would give you space, then when I don't constantly text or call you then you're exceedingly upset. You want to see me more often so I see you almost everyday but then you feel like you're disconnected from the world because of me despite my best efforts and encouragements for you to hang out and be with your friends and such (because I knew you didn't want me to come along which was fine, I have friends too). Think about this; you get upset at me for not understanding you and your life, however by my observation (not to mention your own admission) your values and way of life and personality and everything about you is constantly changing at a faster than normal rate. I understood that you were always changing, and I was happy with that as long as our love for each other didn't change, so to me it was moot for your to be upset with me for not understanding you.
I don't think you have TRULY loved me for a long time now. From input among friends, and from talking with you, and from my own thinking, it seems as though the past few times you have gotten back with me was only so that another person could not claim me... Jealous much, yes? Well then imagine how I must have felt during all of those guys. Especially this last time around I am now almost certain you got back with me MOSTLY out of jealousy. What sucks a great about that is that this past summer was the closest I have ever been to moving on without you and now I must start that process all over again. Yes we had problems, problems that we were working on (and seem always to have to start over on, with this on and off bs), and you tore my heart to shreds for the who-knows-how-many-eth time (only God knows). I was beginning to move on and you decided to pick that time to get back with me, because you knew I always have loved you and would take you back with arms wide open despite that other girl who had great (and also not so great) qualities of her own, that I was always there for you even when you let me down time and time again.
I am trying to relieve my feelings in an attempt to encourage the process of moving on. It is helping a bit but I know I just need lots of time, lots and lots... UGH it sickens how much I still love you even though I know I shouldn't, even though I know if we ever got back together again we would just break up, even though I know you don't actually love me anymore. It sickens me to know I would take you back anyways, and still try, and try even harder in a frenzied and futile attempt to make things better than before, in a panicked and hopeless quest that maybe your spark for me would ignite once again and not just temporarily but every day, like my flame has been burning for you. I wish I could act greater and swifter on my flame for you, I am never fast enough for you, I can never do the right thing for you, you are never happy with me or us no matter what. It sickens me so much that I still love you the way I do. It hurts me to have no contact with you whatsoever, but I know it would hurt even more to interact with an angry, resentful, icy, remorseless person who might (and has before) take advantage of my love for them then cast me away the next morning telling me nothing has changed. If you decide to come back I will be here, hopefully more emotionally developed and mature, so that you could finally be happy with the way I open up to you. But I must not interact with you at all because if this is what you want (to not be with me anymore(again)) then I must try my best to respect and live with that (again).
I hate knowing that I will probably always love you more than I should. I dread that my love for you would ever impede my ability to be with someone else who might possibly be my soul mate, but then again I feel as though YOU are my soul mate but I just wasn't strong enough to hold onto you. I will probably not be able to love anyone as deeply and sincerely as I have and still do love you, which in some sickening way would probably please you to hear and help your own process of moving on, knowing your jealousy and craziness issues despite not actually loving me. I'm not going to be a jerk this time and delete you and block you and change my number and all that crap, it was stupid and I really wish I hadn't done that.
I am doing my best not to write down the things that I miss and love about you, t'would defeat the purpose of trying to get over you through written expression. Even now I am struggling to remember the inspiration you used to give me for certain things, and stuff we used to do together and cherish things that were only between you and me. Maybe in time I will forget those good things, and remember only the bad things, therefore slowly falling out of love with you and having no more reason to be in love with you... =[
I wish you luck and success in your life. I hope I can accomplish the same.
